Paul Rudnick: Married to Jesus : The New Yorker

A historian of early Christianity at Harvard Divinity School has identified a scrap of papyrus that she says was written in Coptic in the fourth century and contains a phrase never seen in any piece of Scripture: "Jesus said to them, 'My wife . . .' "

—The Times.

Fine, now you know: Jesus was married and for many years I happily answered to the name Mrs. Melissa Christ. I met Jesus when we were both teenagers, at a Young Hebrews mixer in Bethlehem. I was there with my best friend, Amy of Nazareth, and we were getting ready to leave, because we were sick of all those chubby Orthodox boys in rough burlap robes and untrimmed sideburns coming up to us and saying things like "I hope you're not menstruating, because I'd really like to touch you."

But then, across the room, I saw this beautiful guy with gorgeous flowing hair, wearing a simple white linen tunic and swaying gently to the music with his eyes shut, which was especially impressive because the band consisted of two elderly men rhythmically squeezing a goat. I couldn't help staring, even after Amy told me, "I've heard about him. His name is Jesus and he doesn't have a job." But then Jesus opened his stunning blue eyes and gazed upon me, and I said to Amy, "I think I've just discovered one of the lost tribes of Israel." "Which one?" she asked, and I said, "The blonds."

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