June 21, 2011

70% of Existing Marriages May Already Be Gay

New Study Yields Surprising Results

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - As lawmakers in New York clashed over legalizing gay marriage, a new study revealed that well over seventy percent of existing marriages may already be gay.

The study, conducted by Dr. Davis Logsdon of the Marital Behavior Institute at the University of Minnesota, confirmed what many social scientists have long suspected: that within the first five years of marriages, most men become, for all intents and purposes, gay.

"Soon after marrying, most men stop hitting on women and start shopping for furniture," Dr. Logsdon said. "Scientifically speaking, how gay is that?"

Within ten years of marriage, he added, a significant number of married men stop having sex with women altogether.

"There's only one way to describe someone who does not have sex with women, does not hit on women, and spends his free time shopping for furniture," he said. "That word, to be scientific about it, is gay."

Elsewhere, by a 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court asked Kagan, Ginsburg and Sotomayor to make them coffee.

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