Humor from The Borowitz Report

Bin Laden Invested Millions in Company That Makes 3-oz. Bottles of Liquids and Gels

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In a shocking revelation gleaned from computers seized in his compound in Pakistan, Osama bin Laden spent millions of dollars investing in a company that makes 3-ounce bottles of liquid and gels.
 
According to CIA director Leon Panetta, Mr. bin Laden's fervor for investing in the tiny bottle company, Trav-L-Size Inc., may have dwarfed his passion for jihad.
 
"We haven't found anything in the computers that indicate Osama bin Laden wanted to rule the world," Mr. Panetta said.  "However, it is clear that he wanted to corner the market in 3-ounce bottles."
 
In addition to Mr. bin Laden's passion for 3-ounce bottles, seized computer files portray a man bent on controlling the world's supply of slip-on shoes and loafers.
 
"Over the last nine years, Osama bin Laden had poured millions of dollars into a company called Reid Loafer Inc., founded by the so-called 'shoe bomber' Richard Reid," he said.
 
Mr. Panetta said that the CIA still has much to learn about Mr. bin Laden's years as a fugitive, but said the fact that he lived in Pakistan for six years without phone service "suggests the involvement of AT&T."
 
In other bin Laden news, Mr. Panetta said Mr. bin Laden's dying words were, "On the plus side, this is going to totally screw Trump."
 
Elsewhere, a Pakistani military spokesman denied any connection with the fallen al Qaeda leader, stating, "We were just Facebook friends."
 
And in what some see as conclusive proof that Osama bin Laden is dead, Dick Cheney appeared on Fox to take credit for it.