Thursday, April 08, 2010

I adore Albert

 I adore Albert
Twin Peaks fans will also remember Albert Rosenfield, the FBI pathologist who resented being assigned to the hick hinterlands of Twin Peaks. He was fond of taunting the locals, especially Sheriff Truman. Some of his acerbic comments follow:

[Albert, responding to a comment made by local Twin Peaks Sheriff Truman.]
"Look, it's trying to think."
Truman: "Anything we should be working on? "
Albert: "Yeah, try not dragging your knuckles on the ground when you walk!"
[FBI pathologist Albert Rosenfield refuses to release Laura's body for the funeral.]
Dr. Hayward: "You're the most cold-blooded man I've ever seen! I've never in my life met a man with so little regard for human frailty. Have you no compassion?! "
Albert Rosenfield: "Oh, I've got compassion running out of my nose, pal! I'm the Sultan of Sentiment!  Dr. Hayward, I have traveled thousands of miles and apparently several centuries to this forgotten sinkhole in order to perform a series of tests. Now, I do not ask you to understand these tests.  I'm not a cruel man.  I just ask you to get the hell outta my way, so I that can finish my work! Is that clear?!"
Albert Rosenfield: "Mr. Horne, I recognize that your position in this fair community pretty much guarantees venality, insincerity, and a rather irritating manner of expressing yourself. Stupidity, however, is not a necessarily inherent trait.  Therefore, please listen closely -- You can have a funeral any old time. You dig a hole, you plant a coffin. I, however, cannot perform these tests next year, next month, next week or even tomorrow -- I must perform them now. <drill noise--VEEP VEEP!> I've got a lot of cutting and pasting to do, gentlemen, so please return to your porch rockers and resume whittling! "
[Puts drill to Laura's forehead and starts drilling.]
Albert Rosenfield: "I, uh, performed the autopsy on Jacques Renault. Stomach contents revealed… let's see, beer cans, a Maryland license plate, half a bicycle tire, a goat… and a small wooden puppet. Goes by the name of Pinocchio. "
Dale Cooper: "You're making a joke! "
Albert Rosenfield: "I like to think of myself as one of the happy generations."
[Albert observes fellow FBI agent Cooper's plaid shirt and khaki slacks.]
Albert Rosenfield: "Oh, Coop, uh, about the uniform…"
Dale Cooper: "Yes, Albert? "
Albert Rosenfield: "Replacing the quiet elegance of the dark suit and tie with the casual indifference of these muted earth tones is a form of fashion suicide, but, uh, call me crazy — on you it works."
Albert: "Agent Cooper, I am thrilled to pieces that the Dharma came to King Hohoho, I really am, but right now I am trying hard to focus on the more immediate problems of our own century, right here in Twin Peaks. "
Cooper: "Albert, you'd be surprised at the connections between the two. "
Albert: "Color me amazed."
[Deputy Andy, who recently had been hit in the face by a board he stepped on, interrupts Cooper and Albert.]
Dale Cooper: "Andy! How's the nose? "
Deputy Andy: "Not a mark on it! Only blood squirted out. "
Albert Rosenfield (to Cooper): "Where do they keep his water dish?"


The New Busy think 9 to 5 is a cute idea. Combine multiple calendars with Hotmail. Get busy.


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