Here’s Why I Decided To Buy ‘InfoWars’ - The Onion

The Onion is buying InfoWars. 

Seriously. 

Here's part of a "press release" from the onion. They're mocking the Infowars ethics, and acting as if the Onion will continue in the same fashion:

. 

"What's next for InfoWars remains a live issue. The excess funds initially allocated for the purchase will be reinvested into our philanthropic efforts that include business school scholarships for promising cult leaders, a charity that donates elections to at-risk third world dictators, and a new pro bono program pairing orphans with stable factory jobs at no cost to the factories."

Full at: 

https://theonion.com/heres-why-i-decided-to-buy-infowars/

The Doctor is OUT

Lewis Black doesn’t like candy corn

Lewis Black:

"Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over.

And the candy corn company sends the guys to the villages, and they collect out of the dumpsters all the candy corn we've thrown away. (pause) They wash it! They wash it!"

21st century humor in 18th century style

My friend Tim Abbott writes the occasional blog post about a fictional soldier in the Continental Army.  His name is Constant Belcher. 

Tim's post start with researched history, and then Belcher's humorous journal entry follows. 

In this post, Belcher opens a coffee shop and encounters a problem… with a creative solution. 

——-

"Febr 28th 1779  - To Day did make application as Sutler to ye Colonel's Coy.  Took as a rouge de gear ye name of Starbuck, proprietor at Ye Sign of ye Mermaid. Through ye London trade landed a bargain gross of redware solo cups for ales lest they become confus'd with ye grande ones intend'd for coffee.

Mar 2nd 1779 - This Day Jono Dayton from Connecticut Farms did lend lease a milch cow to ye

enterprise in contemplation, thair being no cream to be had in Eliza, found it simpler to express directly from udder to cup which produc'd a wonderous froth for ye coffee.   

The name Syllabub already taken for this manner of whitening wine, have decided to call it Express-o & sell it at 6p, or 1s double shot.

Mar 6th 1779 - Business being brisk have decided to expand ye franchise to ye other Coys of the 1st Jarzy Regt 

 Did make contractt with Ens. Levy of our Regt. who does have relatives in Nieu Yorck, to provide fine lean salt beef, half sour cow cumbers in brine & a thin sort of hard tack much esteem'd by ye Hebrew people of that Towne.

Mar 8th - Ye Sign of ye Mairmaid now to be found on every street of ye encampment 

Did add Pompion spice to old coffee by which ye flavor is grately improv'd & does generate good custom.  

Mayhap adding divers spices will increase consumption. will try adding ramps when spring onions are in season

More at 

https://constantbelcher.blogspot.com/2015/11/belcher-barista.html

Real article, funny limericks

"Small Penises and Fast Cars: Evidence for a Psychological Link," Daniel C. Richardson, Joseph Devlin, John S. Hogan, and Chuck Thompson, PsyArXiv, January 10, 2023.

Co-winning limerickicist THOMAS STEWART writes:

 

Because of my miniscule weenie
I bought me a red Lamborghini
  (When I'd thought that my schlong
  Was girthy and long
I was quite happy driving a Mini.)

 

Co-winning limerickicist DICK (sic) MAXWELL writes:

 

Most men we found easy to fool
When discussing the size of their tool.
  If they thought it was short
  Then their car choice was sport,
At least as a general rule.

 

This month's take from our LIMERICK LAUREATE, MARTIN EIGER:

 

The sports car my boyfriend just got,
I love it.  I love it a lot.
  Then I heard from these guys,
  What they said about size.
So I'm torn.  Should I keep him or not?

Ex Ex Libris beachcomber swim club

Translation from Hungarian

xkcd #2946: 1.2 Kilofives

---

Subject: xkcd #2946: 1.2 Kilofives

 

1.2 Kilofives

'Oh yeah? Give me 50 milliscore reasons why I should stop.'

Special 10th anniversary edition of WHAT IF?—revised and annotated with brand-new illustrations and answers to important questions you never thought to ask—coming from November 2024. Preorder here!

xkcd, 177 Huntington Ave Ste 1703 #75312, Boston, Massachusetts 02115-3153 

Sneak peek at Kermit the frog

Experience FTW

I understand. Completely

When you’re Jewish you can debate any topic

Correlation vs Causation

Bragging rights

Old joke:

Three pizza places in a strip mall. 

First shop has a sign, "best pizza in the state"

Second shop sign says, "best pizza in the country."

Third pizza place has a sign, "Best pizza in this strip mall."

S.O.S. Story

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn't it? Now have a look here!"

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but watch this!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?

Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"

The AirBus pilot laughs and says: "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."

The moral of the story is: When you're young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.

This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older and Smarter.

Dedicated to all my senior friends ~ it's time to slow down and enjoy the rest of the trip....

The perils of behavior research

I was with my friend watching her kitty play with a stuffed mouse. She asked, "Isn't that so cute?"

I pointed out how Kitty wrapped her front paws around the toy's upper body and bit its neck to sever the spinal cord, and repeatedly ripped her rear feet along the toy's belly to eviscerate her prey.

My friend gave me a look that said, "I hate you forever for telling me that."

Sometimes it's hard for someone familiar with animal behavior to see nature as "cute."

This song is pure gold and speaks to me

I'm not from here
I just live here
Grew up somewhere far away
Come here thinking I'd never stay long
I'd be going back soon someday

It's been a few years
Since I got here
Seen 'em come and I've seen 'em go
Crowds assemble, they hang out awhile
Then they melt away like an early snow

Onto some bright future somewhere
Down the road to points unknown
Sending postcards when they get there
Wherever it is they think they're goin'

I'm not from here
I just live here
Can't see that it matters much
I read the papers and I watch the nightly news
Who's to say I'm out of touch

Nobody's from here
Most of us just live here
Locals long since moved away
Sold the played-out farms for parking lots
Went off looking for a better way

Onto some bright future somewhere
Better times on down the road
Wonder if they ever got there
Wherever it was they thought they'd go

Hit my home town
A couple years back
Hard to say just how it felt
But it looked like so many towns I might've been through
On my way to somewhere else

I'm not from here
But people tell me
It's not like it used to be
They say I should have been here
Back about ten years
Before it got ruined by folks like me

We can't help it
We just keep moving
It's been that way since long ago
Since the stone age, chasing the great herds
We mostly go where we have to go

Onto some bright future somewhere
Down the road to points unknown
Sending post cards when we get there
Wherever it is we think we'll go

There’s always room for Jell-O

Nerd Haiku / LEET

DNA personal advertisement ISO

Alien thanksgiving

Turkey or Spaghetti Carbonara?

---

Subject: Turkey or Spaghetti Carbonara?

 

Calvin Trillin's Campaign to Make Spaghetti Carbonara the National Dish for Thanksgiving

 

... the real story of the first Thanksgiving

[The following has been shamelessly excerpted from "Third Helpings," by Calvin Trillin]:

I have been campaigning to have the national Thanksgiving dish changed from turkey to spaghetti carbonara.

It does not take much historical research to uncover the fact that nobody knows if the Pilgrims really ate turkey at the first Thanksgiving dinner. The only thing we know for sure about what the Pilgrims ate is that it couldn't have tasted very good. Even today, well brought-up English girls are taught by their mothers to boil all veggies for at least a month and a half, just in case one of the dinner guests turns up without his teeth...

It would also not require much digging to discover that Christopher Columbus, the man who may have brought linguine with clam sauce to this continent, was from Genoa, and obviously would have sooner acknowledged that the world was shaped like an isosceles triangle than to have eaten the sort of things that the English Puritans ate. Righting an ancient wrong against Columbus, a great man who certainly did not come all this way only to have a city in Ohio named after him, would be a serious historical contribution. Also, I happen to love spaghetti carbonara.

[In our family]...Thanksgiving has often been celebrated away from home. It was at other people's Thanksgiving tables that I first began to articulate my spaghetti carbonara campaign--although, since we were usually served turkey, I naturally did not mention that the campaign had been inspired partly by my belief that turkey is basically something college dormitories use to punish students for hanging around on Sunday... I reminded everyone how refreshing it would be to hear sports announcers call some annual tussle the Spaghetti Carbonara Day Classic.

I even had a ready answer to the occasional turkey fancier at those meals who insist that spaghetti carbonara was almost certainly not what our forebears ate at the first Thanksgiving dinner. As it happens, one of the things I give thanks for every year is that those people in the Plymouth Colony were not my forebears. Who wants forebears who put people in the stocks for playing the harpsichord on the Sabbath or having an innocent little game of pinch and giggle?

Finally there came a year when nobody invited us to Thanksgiving dinner. Alice's theory was that the word had got around town that I always made a pest out of myself berating the hostess for serving turkey instead of spaghetti carbonara...

However it came about, I was delighted at the opportunity we had been given to practice what I had been preaching--to sit down to a Thanksgiving dinner of spaghetti carbonara.

Naturally, the entire family went over to Rafetto's pasta store on Houston Street to see the spaghetti cut .  I got the cheese at Joe's dairy, on Sullivan, a place that would have made Columbus feel right at home--there are plenty of Genoese on Sullivan, no Pilgrims--and then headed for the pork store on Carmine Street for the bacon and ham. Alice made the spaghetti carbonara. It was perfection. I love spaghetti carbonara. Then I began to tell the children the story of the first Thanksgiving:

In England, along time ago, there were people called Pilgrims who were very strict about making everyone observe the Sabbath and cooked food without any flavor and that sort of thing, and they decided to go to America, where they could enjoy Freedom to Nag. The other people in England said, "Glad to see the back of them."

In America, the Pilgrims tried farming, but they couldn't get much done because they were always putting their best farmers in the stocks for crimes like Suspicion of Cheerfulness. The Indians took pity on the Pilgrims and helped them with their farming, even though the Indians thought that the Pilgrims were about as much fun as teenage circumcision. The Pilgrims were so grateful that at the end of their first year in America they invited the Indians over for a Thanksgiving meal.

 

The Indians, having had some experience with Pilgrim cuisine during the year, took the precaution of taking along one dish of their own. They brought a dish that their ancestors had learned from none other than Christopher Columbus, who was known to the Indians as "the big Italian fellow." The dish was spaghetti carbonara--made with pancetta bacon and fontina and the best imported prosciutto. The Pilgrims hated it. They said it was "heretically tasty" and "the work of the devil" and "the sort of thing foreigners eat."

The Indians were so disgusted that on the way back to their village after dinner one of them made a remark about the Pilgrims that was repeated down through the years and unfortunately caused confusion among historians about the first Thanksgiving meal. He said, "What a bunch of turkeys!"

.

The more you know

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Sentience Preserve Us

I, for one, welcome our disembodied sentient overlord. 

/s

Wait. What?

---

I'm about to try a snack food called PopCorners. Triangles made of "popped" corn.

 The package touts the ways this snack is good for you: 

No artificial colors or flavors. Never fried. Non-GMO Project Verified Corn.

The Package text also boasts of its "Wholesome taste" and declares it's "Good for you."

I can practically hear "Kum-ba-ya" playing as I open the bag.

The company that makes them is "BFY" (Better For You)

Their address?   

79 INDUSTRIAL PLACE

synchronicity in web advertising

Words mean things

He resigned. 

"Attempting?"

They succeeded. 

Colorful colonial times

Colorful colonial times

"The soldier's wives are allowed to pass the cent­inels, but the other day a most ludicrous circumstance took place, by the obstinacy of an old man upon guard. He would not permit a woman, who was a true campaigner to go beyond him, great altercation ensued, in which the lady displayed much of the Billingsgate oratory, when the old man was so irritated as to present his firelock; the woman imme­diately ran up, snatched it from him, knocked him down, and striding over the prostrate hero, in the exultation of triumph, profusely besprinkled him, not with Olympian dew, but that which is esteemed as emollient to the complexion - and 'faith, something more natural - nor did she quit her post, till a file of sturdy ragamuffins marched valiantly to his relief, dispossessed the Amazon, and enabled the knight of the grisly caxon to look fierce, and reshoulder his musquet."

[Thomas Anbury, Travels through the Interior Parts of America, in a Series of Letters (London, 1789; Reprinted by Arno Press, Inc., 1969), 2: 81-82, letter dated Cambridge, December 9, 1777. "BILLINGSGATE LANGUAGE. Foul language, or abuse." Francis Grose, A Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue (London, 1796).

cramps wednesday dance - Google Search

https://www.google.com/search?q=cramps+wednesday+dance#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:014c9213,vid:SA1OAChyjc8

To Fall Out of Love, Do This | The New Yorker

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/01/26/fall-love

stop me if you’ve heard it

There's a joke - stop me if you've heard it… On the other hand, nah - it's pretty funny, so let me tell it:

Putin announces that it's 'Russia against NATO in a war, yes, now you can call it a War!' in a speech.

A Russian general's wife is listening, and she asks her husband, "how are we doing in the war?"

The general says, "So far, we've lost 1,600 tanks, 2,000 armored vehicles, 3 ships, 4,500 rocket launchers, and more than 50,000 soldiers."

She's shocked. "And… what about NATO?" She asks.

The general sighs, and says, "Well…. they haven't actually shown up yet…"

Are you familiar with these codes?

there is ICD-10 V95.43XA "Spacecraft collision injuring occupant, first encounter" and a follow up should the occupant have the misfortune of being involved in another collision: V95.43XD "Spacecraft collision injuring occupant, subsequent encounter". 

The ICD-10 codes can be a source of humor. Medical coders and physicians who have stumbled upon these odd codes get a laugh out of them. It's not out of disregard for someone who might suffer some odd sort of injury, but that the group that developed the ICD-10 index (evolved from ICD-9) made sure to include these in the Index. 

We always wonder if that resulted in some laughs as the decision was made to include them. 

Another example "V91.07XA: Burn due to water skis on fire: Initial encounter". I'm not kidding - you can look these up.

Empty values