Man set for execution wants to die laughing

Man set for execution wants to die laughing

By Jim Forsyth Mon Jun 25, 5:46 PM ET

SAN ANTONIO, Texas (Reuters) - A Texas man scheduled to be executed on Tuesday wants to die laughing.

Patrick Knight, 39, has been soliciting jokes on the Internet and plans to tell one of them before receiving a lethal injection, Texas Department of Criminal Justice spokeswoman Michelle Lyons said on Monday.

"He says he wants to keep his execution light," she said.

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Perhaps the remaining members of Monty Python could send him that "Killer Joke"

 

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jewish humor

An Israeli guy named Dov is unemployed. He hears that the Jerusalem Zoo is hiring, so he pays them a visit.

"What do you need?" he asks.  They tell him, "Our last brown bear died, and we don't have a replacement. We need someone to dress in a bear suit and take his place."

Dov agrees.  He dons the suit, and is put in the bear habitat. He has fun, entertaining the visitors as he splashes in the water, then he takes a nap in the sun. 

Suddenly, an excited shout from the crowd rouses him. He sees a hole in fence separating him from the lion next door. The lion has found the hole, and is steadily advancing on him.

He has nowhere to run. As the lion is just yards away, he closes his eyes and says, "Baruch ata adonai."  Suddenly, the lion stops and replies, "Elohnou melekh ha'olam."

From a nearby cage, the gorilla shouts, "Shut up, you idiots. You want we should all get fired?"

 

 

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Erroneous National News Report Of Hate Crime Investigation Causes Turmoil

news article:

Erroneous National News Report Of Hate Crime Investigation Causes Turmoil
Chris Facchini, Reporter  

Lewiston [Maine] has once again been thrust into the national spotlight after city officals say an error-laden news report about a potential anti-Muslim hate crime migrated to national television.

According to the city, a hate crime investigation at Lewiston Middle School was parodied on an Associated Press look-alike website, complete with fake quotes from the school superintendent.

The Lewiston Sun Journal is reporting that the fake story then aired as fact on a national Fox broadcast.

The first line of that story reads: "A middle school student in Lewiston, Maine is being investigated for a hate crime after he placed a bag containing a ham sandwich on a table where Somali students eat lunch."   http://www.wcsh6.com/news/article.aspx?storyid=58751

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 On TV's "Law & Order" they often say that a good prosecutor could indict a ham sandwich.

Someone almost got their chance.

 

 

 

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Venus and Mars at Breakfast

When I got married, I had zero cooking skills. Over the years, however, I've learned a bit, and consider myself a respectable chef, at least.

For a recent Sunday brunch, I decided to make Korean Pancakes. They're similar to standard pancakes, but contain shredded carrots, zucchini and scallions. Then they're fried, and served with a soy dipping sauce.

When my wife bit into one, she said, "These are pretty good for you."

What she meant was, "These are pretty Good For You (i.e., healthy).

What I heard was, "These are pretty good... for YOU."

I said I was insulted.
She asked why I was insulted by a compliment.
I replied that no one would consider that a compliment...

And they say England and America are separated by a common language.

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The West can learn from the Aussies

from BBC website:

When Iranian Revolutionary Guards captured the British sailors and Royal Marines in March, it was not exactly their first attempt.

It turns out that Iranian forces made an earlier concerted attempt to seize a boarding party from the Royal Australian Navy.

The Australians, though, to quote one military source, "were having none of it".

 The BBC has been told the Australians re-boarded the vessel they had just searched, aimed their machine guns at the approaching Iranians and warned them to back off, using what was said to be "highly colourful language".

 

full story at: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/6228342.stm

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Who's that on the Red Carpet? Play & win glamorous prizes.

: "plasticine" perhaps?

In article titled "Knighthood for Rushdie to alienate UK Muslims" which appeared in the International News (Pakistan):

"Peter Sallis, the voice of Wallace, the Palestine man in the Wallace and Gromit films, has been appointed an OBE for services to drama".  http://www.thenews.com.pk/top_story_detail.asp?Id=8521 

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I thought Wallace was from Lancashire .

 

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GenPets, your bioengineered little buddy

Tamagotchi meets Biotech

http://www.genpets.com/index.php

(it's a hoax, but a well-done hoax)

 

 

 

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Making art out of the wizardry of biotech.

By Amanda Schaffer 

[excerpt from web slide show]

 Joe Davis, a "research affiliate" at MIT,  makes art infused with genetics, biotechnology, and ingenious gizmology.

In the late 1980s, Davis collaborated with molecular geneticist Dana Boyd on what is probably the world's first artwork created with recombinant-DNA technology.

Davis and Boyd took a graphical icon they called Microvenus—which looks like an outline of the female genitalia and is also an ancient Germanic rune—and encoded it as a sequence of DNA. (This means they interpreted the icon as a grid of light and dark pixels, or zeros and ones, and assigned these a series of DNA bases)

Once the new DNA was synthesized, Davis and Boyd inserted it into the genome of the bacterium E. coli and grew a colony of transformed bacteria in the lab.

It wasn't much to look at. But conceptually, the project broke artistic ground by exploiting the power of DNA to carry poetic and purely whimsical information.

 

In his 1999 piece Genesis, artist Eduardo Kac encoded English text into a sequence of DNA and then inserted the sequence into bacteria, much as Davis had done. But the text he chose was more freighted: the biblical verse "Let man have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moves upon the earth." Note to genetic artists: Stay away from the Bible. The juxtaposition of new technology with ancient religious text is all too heavy-handed and obvious.

 full article and pictures at http://www.slate.com/id/2168469/slideshow/2168530

 

 

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Gamers and their Avatars

Internet gamers create Avatars to play online role playing games.

Sometimes the Avatar looks just like the Gamer.

Sometimes, not so much.

Slideshow at:

http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2007/06/15/magazine/20070617_AVATAR_SLIDESHOW_1.html

 

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"Why, that could lead to Dancing!"

from today's papers / slate.com

A new television ad for Trojan condoms, where pigs in a bar turn into hunky men after they buy condoms, won't be shown on CBS and Fox, reports the NY Times.

Network reps aren't talking but at least part of the reason why the ads were rejected seems to be that networks prefer condom ads to emphasize the prevention of diseases rather than pregnancy.

"We always find it funny that you can use sex to sell jewelry and cars, but you can't use sex to sell condoms," said an executive from the company that makes LifeStyles condoms.

 

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Wow. What a metaphor.

 

In a phone call to ABC News' Barbara Walters on Sunday, Paris Hilton described her experience in prison.

 

When Barbara asked her about jail, Paris said, "I was severely depressed and felt as if I was in a cage."

 

 

http://www.abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=3264588

 

 

 

 

Top 25 Web Hoaxes and Pranks

Top 25 Web Hoaxes and Pranks

These online spoofs and shams have made the rounds on Web sites and through e-mail. Perhaps you even believed one or two of them yourself.

Whether they take the form of a comic image of a giant cat or a desperate plea from a sick child, chain e-mail messages and Internet frauds are elements of the online landscape that we've all encountered. No topic is off limits: a medical warning, a promise of free money, or a believably (or shoddily) Photoshopped image.

 

But at the end of the day, they're just elaborate hoaxes or clever pranks--and we've collected 25 of the most infamous ones ever to have graced the Internet or our inboxes.

http://tech.msn.com/news/articlepcw.aspx?cp-documentid=4831281&page=1

 

...and be sure to Forward this to EVERYONE YOU KNOW !!!!!!!!!!!

<g>

 

 

 

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Two new words?

Two new words?

here's an article that Scientific American ran recently:

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Ever since Al Gore invented the internet, wordsmiths have had to contend with a torrent of neologisms. The last two days have been no exception.

Yesterday the BBC reported an effort to conquer a menace--cyber warming--whose failure to roll off the tongue will no doubt be as big an obstacle to progress on reducing energy consumption in the IT sector as any amount of industry inertia. (That is, if you subscribe to the notion that the catchiness of a meme is a powerful determinant of its ultimate propagation--does anyone else remember when 'climate change' was called 'global warming'?)

Today it's the Church of England. Apparently one of their cardinals was bored at work, or was 'doing some research' on the internet or something like that:

Anglican church authorities were outraged by the PlayStation game "Resistance: Fall of Man" that depicts a shootout in the cathedral nave.

"The video footage of the cathedral battle on YouTube has shocked and dismayed us beyond words. They can only be described as virtual desecration," Rogers Govender, Dean of Manchester Cathedral, told reporters.

You catch that? Virtual Desecration.

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http://blog.sciam.com/index.php?title=sony_invents_new_kind_of_desecration&more=1&c=1&tb=1&pb=1&ref=sciam

 

Bob Bendesky

North Wales, PA  USA

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more on Duct Tape

My father-in-law's an engineer.

He says that your tool box only needs two things:  WD-40 and Duct tape...

"If it doesn't move, and it should?"  WD-40.

"If it moves, and it shouldn't?"  Duct tape.
 

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Re: : Another use for duct tape

my father-in-law's an engineer

he says that your tool box only needs two things:  WD-40 and Duct tape...

"If it doesn't move, and it should ?"  WD-40.

"If it moves, and it shouldn't?"  Duct tape.

 

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From: Stackedkeys@aol.com
To: bob_bendesky@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: : Another use for duct tape
Date: Thu, 14 Jun 2007 09:49:51 EDT

LOL!  I'm laughing so hard because we're such a duct tape family!


**************************************
See what's free at http://www.aol.com.

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Re: Mr. Wizard is gone :(

I propose we remember Mr. Wizard by lighting a memorial candle.

Then put it out by mixing Vinegar and Baking Soda.

 

http://www.madsci.org/experiments/archive/854445732.Ch.html

 

 

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Paris Hilton isn't the only rich crybaby...

from today's papers/slate.com:

The Washington Post and NY Times cover the first day of the trial in the now-infamous case of the judge who filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against his dry cleaner after his pants were lost.

 Judge Roy Pearson wants the owners of the dry cleaners to pay him $54 million for all his trouble. The owners of the dry cleaner even tried to offer him $12,000, but he refused.

Apparently because the trauma of the lost pants was so overwhelming, Pearson cried while he told his story.

Pearson makes more than $100,000 as a judge, but the NYT notes he might not have that job for much longer. "I don't know of any other cases that have been quite this ridiculous," a law professor tells the NYT.

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No Jews? No news.

RE: Palestinian fighting in Gaza:

"Human Rights Watch said in a statement Tuesday that Hamas and Fatah gunmen had summarily executed captives and killed bystanders. "

"Such acts "are war crimes, pure and simple," said Sarah Leah Whitson, the organization's Middle East director."

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/06/12/AR2007061200503.html

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Cup your hand to your ear.  Hear any International Outcry?

Didn't think so...

 

 

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"Smile, you're on Candid Camera!"

 

Google has added another feature to their Maps:  street views of US cities. 

 

So far, there are only a few available (NYC, Miami, Denver, San Francisco and a couple others).  Here's what they did: Google put cameras on vans and drove all over these cities, taking pictures as they went, so when you use Street View, you're seeing a "snapshot" of that particular street on a particular day. 

 

In each picture, you can use your mouse to "look around" in a full circle. If you see something interesting, you can click and zoom in.  In each street view picture, there are arrows pointing up and down the street; by clicking on one of the arrows, you can "move" along the street by advancing to the next picture that was taken on that street.

 

I've tried out the street view on NYC and San Francisco, and the latter has much better resolution. The resolution is so good, that other users have caught people in embarrassing situations. There's a woman exposing her thong as she bends over in her car. There's a man on a street bench picking his nose. There's a guy pissing on a street sign.

 

You can view them at: http://mashable.com/2007/06/03/street-view-maps-these-panties-have-been-removed-due-to-a-privacy-violation/   and at   http://consumerist.com/consumer/privacy/google-streets-view-project-manager-speaks-about-privacy-concerns-266482.php

 

 

Now we need to find Alan Funt.

 

 

 

 

Patient bleeds dark green blood

A team of Canadian surgeons got a shock when the patient they were operating on began shedding dark greenish-black blood, the Lancet reports.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6733203.stm

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Insert Dr. McCoy comment about "that damned Vulcan physiology" here.

Any you can write your own Star Trek episode, using the guidelines at: http://blog.trulove.cc/?page_id=5

it starts like this:

1. "Captain's Log (choose eight numbers and a decimal point, no one will try to decipher this for ten years, so continuity isnft important.)
2. "on a (choose one: Exploratory/Peacekeeping/Astrometrics) missionc"
3. "to the planet (choose 4 to 8 random syllables, a greek letter and a number, ie (Batty-kala-Gamma 4Œ)c"

 

 

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from a friend

According to the New Orleans Times-Picayune, Mayor Ray Nagin has announced that citizens of New Orleans can sign up to receive hurricane warnings by text message: http://www.nola.com/timespic/stories/index.ssf?/base/news-1/118068379688590.xml&coll=1

On the JazzFest boards, folks speculate that the warnings might look like this:

"OMG itz cat 5 L8R chocl@ ciT"

 

 

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according to one website, this is how you make powdered alcohol...

The powder contains approximately 30% alcohol by dry weight, and is said to maintain a high degree of the original flavor of the alcohol solution. It is available in such flavors as brandy, rum, whiskey, red wine, white win, and vodka. -- According to the manufacturer, the powder is produced in the following way.

A solution of water and alcohol is mixed with maltodextrin and then spray-dried at relatively low temperatures. Each molecule of alcohol is encapsulated by dextrin during the spray-drying process and the smaller water molecules are allowed to pass through the surface and evaporate. There is about a 5% loss of alcohol on the surface of each droplet.

http://outhouserag.typepad.com/outhouserag/2005/08/powdered_alcoho.html

 

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The Top 10 Signs That it May Be Time to Quit

The Top 10 Signs That it May Be Time to Quit:  By Cynthia M Piccolo

Your boss suggests that you may want to quit.

You return from two weeks of vacation and no one had noticed that you'd been away.

You're never sure that you've left work until you notice the change of clothes.

You have made voodoo dolls to represent everyone in your workplace.

You want an office with a window so that you can jump out of it.

Flipping burgers doesn't seem like that bad of a career move.

A second corporate team-building exercise in the mountains is being planned, and last time, five people never returned and haven't been heard from since.

You read the Dilbert cartoon and don't know whether to laugh or cry.

You start to envy the dead.

You make up lists about why you know it's time to quit. 

  http://www.biospace.com/news_story.aspx?StoryID=59158

 

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Better Living though Chemistry !

Dutch students develop powdered alcohol

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Dutch students have developed powdered alcohol which they say can be sold legally to minors.

The latest innovation in inebriation, called Booz2Go, is available in 20-gramme packets that cost 1-1.5 euros (70 pence-1 pound).

Top it up with water and you have a bubbly, lime-coloured and -flavoured drink with just 3 percent alcohol content.

http://uk.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUKL0687318220070606?feedType=RSS

 

 

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Six Day War Paratroopers at the Wall

from my Rabbi:

This week marks the anniversary of the June 1967, Six Day War which saw Israeli forces triumphant over enemies seeking her destruction.

Visit this site for an interesting historical perspective: http://pictures.aol.com/ap/singleImage.do?pid=4970-upCqWID80NxhV6KqB0nupky1JZJqkrPv4xQp5Fd3Ig%3D

The picture on the left (which was quite well known at the time) shows three paratroopers photographed shortly after their arrival at the Wall.

On the right, the same three men. The newspaper Maariv asked that they return this week to mark the anniversary of that moment.

 

 

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"Is that 87 pound cat for real?"

HOAX PHOTO TEST

Test your pop culture literacy by determining which are the hoax photos (i.e. those that have been manipulated in some way) and which are real.

For each image, click either HOAX or REAL to begin scoring the test. When you're done, click the box at the bottom of the page to see your score.


http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/tests/hoaxphototest.html

 

 

 

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Golden Rules

 

BRAHMANISM: "This is the sum of duty: do naught unto others which would cause you pain if done to you."
(Mahabharata 5,1517)

CHRISTIANITY: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
(Jesus, Mt 7:12)

CONFUCIANISM: "Surely it is the maxim of loving-kindness: Do not unto others that you would not have them do unto you."
(Analects 15,23)

BUDDHISM: "Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful."
(Udana-Varga 5,18)

ISLAM: "No man is a true believer unless he desireth for his brother that which he desireth for himself."
(Azizullah - Hadith 150)

JAIN: "A man should treat all creatures in the world as he himself would like to be treated."
(Wisdom of the Living Religions, #69 - I:II:33)

JUDAISM: "What is hateful to you, do not to your neighbor: that is the whole Torah, while the rest is the commentary thereof; go and learn it."
(Rabbi Hillel, Tractate Shabbath (Folio 31a) )

TAOISM: "Regard your neighbor's gains as your own gain and your neighbor's loss as your own loss."
(T'ai Shang Kan Ying P'ien)

ZOROASTRIANISM: "That nature alone is good which refrains from doing unto another hatsoever is not good for itself.
(Dadistan-i-dinik 94-5)"

 

http://speakingoffaith.publicradio.org/programs/armstrong/particulars.shtml

 

 

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I WANT TO WRITE LIKE E. E. CUMMINGS !

Define "Compiler"

This definition of "compiler" must rank as the BEST of the possible wrong answers. Written by a student in a introductory Computer Science course.


"A compiler's primary function is to compile, organize the compilation, and go right back to compiling. It compiles basically only those things that requre to be compiled, ignoring things that should not be compiled. The main way a compiler compiles, is to compile the things to be compiled until the compilation is complete."

"Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed!"

LA Times:

Publisher aims to teach kids right from left

A Torrance executive says he sees too many children's books with liberal views. His titles aim to tilt the shelves the other way.

By Stephanie Simon, Times Staff Writer
June 1, 2007

PUBLISHING executive Eric Jackson's first foray into children's books was a cartoon tale of two brothers and a lemonade stand.

Hoping to earn money for a swing set, young Tommy and Lou squeeze lemons until their little hands ache. But they are thwarted by broccoli-pushing, camera-hogging, Jesus-hating liberals who pile on taxes and regulations and drive the boys out of business.

The book, "Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed!," came out two years ago. Jackson said it sold nearly 30,000 copies, which in the publishing world made it a bona fide hit. That success reinforced Jackson's view that the nation's bookshelves had tilted way too far left and that a correction was in order.

Kindergartners these days can leaf through a picture book promoting the virtues of medical marijuana. They can read a fairy tale about two princes who get married — to each other.

But where are the children's books denouncing affirmative action? The fairy tales promoting gun rights?

full article: http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/front/la-na-kidbooks1jun01,1,4368369,full.story?coll=la-headlines-frontpage&amp;ctrack=3&cset=true